Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a fundamental human need and affects our choices and decisions in every aspect of our life. No one can ever bypass this need. Self-esteem is how we think or feel about ourselves. Do we feel valuable and worthy or do we feel that our needs, wants and opinions don’t matter and we constantly seek other people’s approval to feel good about ourselves? Healthy self-esteem gives us a feeling of being worthy and deserving happiness and success. It motivates us to achieve our values and enjoy the fruits of our accomplishments. When we have a high self-esteem we feel confident in our ability to think and cope with challenges of life. When we have a low self-esteem we become self-critical and not happy about our appearance, abilities or intelligence. We become greedy, rigid and unhappy regardless of our achievements because we don’t feel we are good enough not matter what. People with healthy self-esteem exhibit rationality, realism, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change and willingness to accept and correct mistakes. The higher our self-esteem the more open and honest our communication is likely to be, because we believe that our thoughts have value and we don’t fear other’s disapproval or rejection.

But where does our self-esteem come from and what elements shape it? We are not born with self-esteem but it is developed from our experiences and influences that we have in our life. People who are close to us like parents, siblings, relatives, friends, teachers, coaches and classmates can influence our self-esteem in a positive or a negative way. These negative or positive experiences were imprinted in our mind when we were young. For example if our parents constantly expected us to excel and acknowledged us for what we did good with our schoolwork, sports or helping others; instead of who we are; courageous, smart and generous, we most likely felt inadequate and not good enough when we didn’t measure up to their standards. We felt like no matter how hard we tried, we never earned the acknowledgment we craved. So, we didn’t learn how to appreciate ourselves and we could only see what we lacked. We grew up and that feeling of inadequacy grew up with us as well and the voice of our parents became our inner voice, self-critical and demanding.

Let me put it this way! Our self-esteem is like a bucket of water. If our parents treated us with negative feedbacks, lack of love, lack of compassion, made fun of us, put us down, didn’t encourage us and didn’t make us feel proud of our accomplishments; they put holes in our bucket and lowered our self-esteem. On the other hand, if they gave us positive feedback, love, encouragement, pointed out our good qualities, encouraged us not to give up on things easily and made us feel proud of ourselves; we got a bucket full of self-esteem.

If you want to fill your bucket with self-esteem, you need to believe in yourself

Is it possible to have too much self-esteem? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! There is no such a thing as too much self-esteem just like having too much physical health is meaningless. Don’t confuse self-esteem with boasting or arrogance which are signs of lacking healthy self-esteem. A confident person is easily spotted by having a healthy balance between too little and too much self-worth. An individual has the right dose when he/she:

Knows the difference between confidence and arrogance
Is not afraid of feedback
Does not people-please or seek approval
Is not afraid of conflict
Is able to set boundaries
Is able to voice needs and opinions
Is assertive, but not pushy
Is not a slave to perfection
Is not afraid of setbacks
Does not fear failure
Does not feel inferior
Accepts who he/she is

If you think you have difficulty saying NO to people or always put yourself last because you don't love yourself enough, I can help you improve your self-esteem and become the best version of yourself.

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